i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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