Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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