Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
