I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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