I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
