I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
