i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
