i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
