I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
