I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
