if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
