oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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