the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize