When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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