Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
