I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize