Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
