who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
this boner is exhausting
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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