on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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