I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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