My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Are we still banned from the library?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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