The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
