Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
