Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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