my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
