So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
