I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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