Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
