I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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