You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
