That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
