I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
