I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
