my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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