OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Randomize
