I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
porn star boner night. come get it.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
