I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
