hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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