I am spending my child support on dildos
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
