separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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