I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
