apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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