I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
