I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
