I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
