Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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