Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
