i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
