I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
