no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize