He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
