my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
