he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
