Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
