If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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