Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
And then my night got REAL pukey
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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