Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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