I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I didn't shave. On purpose
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
