dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
