Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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