I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
