Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize