I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Are my feet made of real feet?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize