I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize