I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
