trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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