people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
